You know you do really. It's okay. I understand
Videogames aren't exactly known for their deep and subtle narratives, so it should come as no surprise that games have more than their fair share of punchable little scrotes lumped on the unwitting player. It definitely came as a surprise to me, since I struggled to find a minimum of five oft-hated side characters who I could actually defend with a straight face, which probably doesn't bode well for my inaugural Generic List Article.
However, after much Googling and two cups of coffee, I managed to unearth four heavily derided characters whose status as second fiddle is more than made up for by the frothing hatred spewed forth by gamers everywhere.
4) Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog 2)
Tails earns a place on the list because, in the mad race to hate the Sonic series more than anyone else in the world, what started as a fairly legitimate irritation with his more recent cohorts has slowly descended into a demented arms race, in which fans (their description, not mine) have first written off every minor character in the franchise after Sonic 3, then turned up the heat on Knuckles and finally taken the blowtorch of searing hatred to the poor, undeserving face of the original pint-sized sidekick, Miles Prower.
I'm not sure what Tails has ever done to deserve this, especially when you consider that he was a gift from the heavens for any 90's gamer with a young, incompetent sibling who insisted on playing with you despite haemorrhaging lives like an amputated cat. Unable to lose either lives or rings and incapable of holding you back, at worst Tails was an occasional blip on screen while the second player wrestled with the one-button controls and at best he was a ring-grabbing, boss-smashing life saver. Sometimes useful, often irrelevant, but never a problem; that's the kind of support character I like to see.
3) The Adoring Fan (The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion)
Frankly, I've never understood why anyone would hate the Adoring Fan, despite being a rotten little ball-ache who turns up to pester you after becoming Grand Champion in the Imperial City Arena. Of course he's a simpering weasel - you wouldn't like to repeatedly stab, bludgeon and hurl from a cliff someone you liked, would you?
The Adoring Fan really doesn't say much in your presence, which isn't surprising given that his sole purpose in life is to be murdered in new and interesting ways before respawning to do it all again. If he really gets on your nerves and simply telling him to buzz off doesn't hold the same appeal as wiping him from reality, you can always be rid of him by leaving him in a cave and waiting for the cell reset to eradicate him. Congratulations, you're free of an annoyance that you chose to saddle yourself with; go grab yourself a sundae.
2) Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty)
Admittedly not a sidekick, Raiden nonetheless plays second fiddle to Snake throughout Sons of Liberty, the fact that he's the main playable character failing to gain traction as an argument amongst angry gamers.
As one of the most highly anticipated games of all time, with people paying full price for the desperately average Zone of the Enders just to play the bundled Sons of Liberty demo, it's understandable that after sitting down to play the opening segment of Metal Gear Solid 2 and getting re-acquainted with the graphically enhanced Solid Snake, a blinding red mist came down when the full game took players past that thrilling opening segment, unceremoniously whisked away their favourite stealth hero and replaced him with a floppy-haired, no-name rookie. I say 'blinding', because this particular bait-and-switch meant Raiden took a whole lot of shit that he didn't really deserve.
True, his ninja bad-assery was cranked all the way up for his reappearance in MGS4, but Raiden was hardly a slouch in his first appearance. He was as skilled as Snake, much more athletic and knew his high-tech spy work inside and out, taking out foes who easily rivalled the supernatural villains of Snake's stories. He even managed to ninja his way around the hulking innards of Arsenal Gear with a hand on his bare naked plums, all the while trying to work his way through some fairly serious personal issues. As pointless as that sounds in a game about robots great and small, it's worth pointing out that Snake had his share of heartfelt talks over the codec in two separate games (three or more, if you count the exploits of his clone-father Big Boss).
Perhaps the game would have been improved with Snake at the helm, or at least with a second story detailing Snake's own jaunt around the Big Shell, but you really can't blame Raiden for Snake's absence. If he can't win you over after beating a vampire, a bullet-resistant siren and a fleet of Metal Gears, then I don't know what will.
1) Navi (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
Hey, listen: yes, Navi was a constant annoyance. Yes, she was forever pointing out enemies, items, small rocks and clumps of grass as loudly and enthusiastically as possible, but at the time we simply didn't care. However you look at it, Ocarina of Time just wouldn't have been the same if Navi wasn't hovering over our shoulder at every juncture.
She was a voice in the most silent of dungeons, a light in the darkest of temples. When werewolves, fire bats and zombies were all around you, she was the bright spark of hope that let you know, even in your lowest ebb, that you weren't alone.
It's easy to make snide gossip when she isn't in the room, but Ocarina would have been a lesser game for her absence; even if she wasn't the perfect companion, she was a loyal and ever-present one. Like an ingratiating puppy that won't stop pissing on the carpet, Navi is the irritation that we all, deep down in our withered hearts, hold a little bit of love for.
Videogames aren't exactly known for their deep and subtle narratives, so it should come as no surprise that games have more than their fair share of punchable little scrotes lumped on the unwitting player. It definitely came as a surprise to me, since I struggled to find a minimum of five oft-hated side characters who I could actually defend with a straight face, which probably doesn't bode well for my inaugural Generic List Article.
However, after much Googling and two cups of coffee, I managed to unearth four heavily derided characters whose status as second fiddle is more than made up for by the frothing hatred spewed forth by gamers everywhere.
4) Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog 2)
Tails earns a place on the list because, in the mad race to hate the Sonic series more than anyone else in the world, what started as a fairly legitimate irritation with his more recent cohorts has slowly descended into a demented arms race, in which fans (their description, not mine) have first written off every minor character in the franchise after Sonic 3, then turned up the heat on Knuckles and finally taken the blowtorch of searing hatred to the poor, undeserving face of the original pint-sized sidekick, Miles Prower.
I'm not sure what Tails has ever done to deserve this, especially when you consider that he was a gift from the heavens for any 90's gamer with a young, incompetent sibling who insisted on playing with you despite haemorrhaging lives like an amputated cat. Unable to lose either lives or rings and incapable of holding you back, at worst Tails was an occasional blip on screen while the second player wrestled with the one-button controls and at best he was a ring-grabbing, boss-smashing life saver. Sometimes useful, often irrelevant, but never a problem; that's the kind of support character I like to see.
3) The Adoring Fan (The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion)
The Adoring Fan really doesn't say much in your presence, which isn't surprising given that his sole purpose in life is to be murdered in new and interesting ways before respawning to do it all again. If he really gets on your nerves and simply telling him to buzz off doesn't hold the same appeal as wiping him from reality, you can always be rid of him by leaving him in a cave and waiting for the cell reset to eradicate him. Congratulations, you're free of an annoyance that you chose to saddle yourself with; go grab yourself a sundae.
2) Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty)
As one of the most highly anticipated games of all time, with people paying full price for the desperately average Zone of the Enders just to play the bundled Sons of Liberty demo, it's understandable that after sitting down to play the opening segment of Metal Gear Solid 2 and getting re-acquainted with the graphically enhanced Solid Snake, a blinding red mist came down when the full game took players past that thrilling opening segment, unceremoniously whisked away their favourite stealth hero and replaced him with a floppy-haired, no-name rookie. I say 'blinding', because this particular bait-and-switch meant Raiden took a whole lot of shit that he didn't really deserve.
True, his ninja bad-assery was cranked all the way up for his reappearance in MGS4, but Raiden was hardly a slouch in his first appearance. He was as skilled as Snake, much more athletic and knew his high-tech spy work inside and out, taking out foes who easily rivalled the supernatural villains of Snake's stories. He even managed to ninja his way around the hulking innards of Arsenal Gear with a hand on his bare naked plums, all the while trying to work his way through some fairly serious personal issues. As pointless as that sounds in a game about robots great and small, it's worth pointing out that Snake had his share of heartfelt talks over the codec in two separate games (three or more, if you count the exploits of his clone-father Big Boss).
Perhaps the game would have been improved with Snake at the helm, or at least with a second story detailing Snake's own jaunt around the Big Shell, but you really can't blame Raiden for Snake's absence. If he can't win you over after beating a vampire, a bullet-resistant siren and a fleet of Metal Gears, then I don't know what will.
1) Navi (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
Hey, listen: yes, Navi was a constant annoyance. Yes, she was forever pointing out enemies, items, small rocks and clumps of grass as loudly and enthusiastically as possible, but at the time we simply didn't care. However you look at it, Ocarina of Time just wouldn't have been the same if Navi wasn't hovering over our shoulder at every juncture.She was a voice in the most silent of dungeons, a light in the darkest of temples. When werewolves, fire bats and zombies were all around you, she was the bright spark of hope that let you know, even in your lowest ebb, that you weren't alone.
It's easy to make snide gossip when she isn't in the room, but Ocarina would have been a lesser game for her absence; even if she wasn't the perfect companion, she was a loyal and ever-present one. Like an ingratiating puppy that won't stop pissing on the carpet, Navi is the irritation that we all, deep down in our withered hearts, hold a little bit of love for.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I have a hungry ego to feed; please give generously