On the subject of bears

During the many, many trips to the loading screen, Skyrim offers the useful hint that bears, while as deadly as one ton of razor-tipped furball should be, will generally leave you alone if unprovoked.

Lies. Absolute, god-damned lies, issued forth from the mouth of Loki himself. I don't know if my Argonian moisturises himself with steak tenderloin when I'm not looking, but those lumbering fuckers can't get enough of me. The second they clap eyes on me, they come tearing over hill and dale with all piss and vinegar, yearning, aching for juicy reptilian ribs.

And this isn't just me belly-aching. They become as single-minded as a worker ant crossed with The Terminator; a pair of grizzlies charged through the entire Riften town guard, a group of nearby traders and a god-damn dragon, such was their lust for my flesh.

My solution of blowing them downhill with a gust of kick-ass Dovahkiin breath didn't go quite as planned, as it sent the two-dozen warriors I'd been sort of banking on at this point careening towards sea level like skittle pins. On the plus side, they were stopped short when they broadsided the dragon.

But in all seriousness, screw you Bethesda. Just... the hell with you.

Welcome One and All!

It's a brand new Fortress! Where posts are as punctual as British Rail and factual accuracy is a thing of the past!

Seriously though, with my workload chopped in half (who knew you could work as little as 40 hours in a week?) I'm finally in a position to spend some quality time with my Fortress, and with it will come new articles posted on a weekly basis of all things media (but mostly games, if I'm being honest), as well as some new sections including but not necessarily limited to:

Free Game Giveaway

Man, there sure are some good games out there, and some of them won't cost you a dime! They may be short, a little rough around the edges and occasionally demand runtimes that they should really have the foresight to package with the installer, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve your love, and that's why I'll be featuring them.

Retro|Spective

Like a vintage car, all games have to fall out of fashion and grow old. But unlike a vintage car, they can stay spotless for evermore, without rusting or bits occasionally falling off. Some even improve, like vintage wine! The ones featured in Retro|Spective are my favourites, hand-picked and Fruitbat-certified.

Digital Remix

If there's one way in which video games haven't aged a day, it's in the music department. Retro tunes are as catchy as they ever were, and their synthetic beeps have only retained their charm. From the early days through to the modern day, many is the tune that can be rejuvenated and made new once again by a catchy remix. Check in here for some of the best.

Artist Spotlight

Thanks to the internet and the advent of digital galleries, finding a raft of talented artists and decent webcomics has never been easier, to the point of being ridiculously overwhelming. Since I love rummaging through both galleries and webcomics, I'll be showcasing my favourites in the hope that they can become yours as well.

Series Review

I'm damned if I have the time to pick apart a TV series episode-by-episode, week in, week out, but once the dust has settled and things have run their course, I'll be giving my verdict on whether it was all worth it. Series' both new and old will find a home here.

That's all for now; welcome to the Fortress, and enjoy your stay!

Fruitbat's week: Chiptunes, Mega Man 2.5 and real life Mario Kart

Let's set the mood with a bit of music: through the 80s and early 90s, chip music was the definitive way of delivering catchy beats in your game; because consoles weren't able to play music files like a CD player could, they had dedicated audio chips into which a set of data was fed, which told the console what sounds it should play - like playing the piano from sheet music, essentially. Take that same chip data and port it to another console and you'd have a similar but slightly different sound, like this Megadrive port of Super Mario Bros. It's a fascinating way of creating sound and the distinctive digital beeps are still alive today, in modern music, the retro reboots Mega Man 9 and 10 and the chiptune scene, notably Anamanaguchi, who gave the Scott Pilgrim game its soundtrack. I'm still yet to find anything that tops the very best of the NES era, but that just goes to show what can be achieved with the right talent. So, please check out the video for a few examples of original compositions, or try this one to see how Capcom are still kicking it old school as late as 2010.

With those bleeping in the background (or not) this is the perfect time to introduce Mega Man 2.5, a fangame that throws the 8-bit Blue Bomber into a Paper Mario-esque world of perspective-warping platforms. Speaking as someone who has waded in the rough waters of fangamedom before, it doesn't surprise me in the least to see that progress is going slowly, but while the announcement of this fan-built game is pretty old, a recent trailer definitely seems to comfirm that development is in full swing. The game seems less ambitious in its scope than the original video, which, given the state of progress thus far and the creator's grounding in animation, definitely seems to mark it out as proof of concept rather than a playable game. But with a full co-op mode, calls for more programmers and enormously expansive levels, this has the potential to provide an outing for the series that will rival the upcoming Mega Man Universe in originality. The fangame scene has only been growing stronger, with enormous groundwork laid out by Sonic fans trying to recreate the complex physics of the hedgehog's adventures, and this marks a step beyond mere recreation and delves into the realm of savvy reinvention; definitely one to keep an eye on.

And since we're on the subject of re-imaginings, here's a video of a Frenchman bringing Mario Kart into the real world to a worryingly insane degree.

And that's all until next time.