Series Review: Doctor Who - Closing Time

INT. AN ORDINARY HOUSE, DAY

THE DOCTOR

Oh come on, it's the
penultimate episode of the
series; do we really have
time to piss the story
up a tree like this?

JAMES CORDEN

I'm such a terrible father!

If only I weren't such a

useless shit I might

be able to cope!

JAMES CORDEN'S BABY

I'm the most well behaved

infant in the world, what

possible issues are you having

that couldn't be dealt with

by even semi-competent

parents?

JAMES CORDEN

God, I can't even make

something as universal as

fatherhood seem relatable.

But I'm sure that if I crank

up my Waste of Oxygen Dial to

10 then I'll be able to keep
things entertaining.

THE DOCTOR

Yeah, good luck with that.

So how's that script

coming along?

GARETH ROBERTS

(checks watch, sprays tea across room)

Shit, that was today? Hold

on one second-

Lost in a scriptless void, THE DOCTOR and JAMES CORDEN save the taxpayer's hour by repeating the previous episode of The Adventures of The Doctor and Blubbering Fatass with a few location changes and some CYBERMEN.

GARETH ROBERTS

Oh, whatever. Like they'll

notice the fucking difference;

James Corden fans have brains

like three-month old cottage

cheese.

Having wasted the penultimate episode of a series wrought with unanswered plot points, JAMES CORDEN blows the shit out of everything with his world-renowned charisma.

JAMES CORDEN

I've stopped the Cybermen...

with the power of love!

THE DOCTOR

Thanks for that, Huey Lewis.

God, we sacrificed a two-part

finale for this tripe?

RIVER SONG

(out of breath)

Sorry I'm late! So when

do we start shooting?

THE DOCTOR

Episode's over, idiot, we had

to wheel in James Corden.

Probably on a forklift.

RIVER SONG

That's pretty harsh on

overweight people.

THE DOCTOR

I meant for his emotional

baggage; that prick can crawl

to the studio on bleeding

stumps for all I care.

RIVER SONG

Okay, no worries, this is

totally fixable. We'll put the

intro at the end and try to

cram everything into a one

hour slot next week.

THE DOCTOR

So the final act of an almighty

lord of time and space before

going to his death was to humour

the least likeable character

from Gavin and Stacy. 

RIVER SONG

Essentially, yes.

THE DOCTOR

Whoop-de-fucketty-do. I'm

pretty sure the reason I'll

overcome my death is the thought

of going out on that note.

RIVER SONG

Don't worry, the Great Lord

Moffat makes everything

better in the end.

THE DOCTOR

Including James Corden?

I fucking doubt it.

END